In Malik's Pants
by Dark Magician Girl Aeris
Summary: The truth about what Malik keeps in those buldging pockets. Written on a sugar high, one shot, rated for safety as some parents might not appreciate some of the humor. But it's really very clean. For the most part. Wai!


On I'm part of the official Yu-Gi-Oh guild. We sit around and chat, and one day the subject of Malik's pants came up. Namely, why are his pockets so big? What does he keep in them? Someone suggested that a fic should be written about it.

A week later, I ate about a million Pez, sat down, and wrote this silly little fanfiction.

Remember to review!

**In Malik's Pants**

It started out as a normal day. Yugi, Joey, Tristan, Tea, Ryou and Malik all sat around chatting and playing Duel Monsters. Then Yugi asked a _seemingly_ innocent question.

"Hey, Malik?"

"Yeah?"

"Your pockets always look really full. What do you keep in them?"

Malik looked thoughtful for a moment. "You know, I tend to just put things in there and forget them. I'm not really sure what I have with me now."

Malik reached down into his pockets, and came up with a fistful of change. Oddly, it was mostly pennies. He shrugged. "Find a penny..."

Yugi sat counting the coins as Malik dipped back into his pockets. He pulled out a small metal-polishing kit. "What do you need that for," Tristan asked.

"All the jewelry I wear."

"But you wear gold," Tea pointed out. "That doesn't tarnish."

Malik shrugged. "It still gets dull." He eyed the object he'd just unearthed; an amulet of lapis lazuli, shaped like the Eye of Horus. "Hey, cool! I thought I lost this years ago!"

The next item made the group a little uneasy: a package of condoms. "You don't..." Tea looked uncertain. "You don't _use_ those, do you?"

Malik looked at her, startled. "Of course I do! Tea, unprotected sex is dangerous!" Tea turned away, face red, as the guys shifted in their seats. Ryou turned a distinct shade of vermilion, so Tristan decided to stare at him instead, which made poor Ryou blush even harder. Malik simply went back to emptying his pockets.

"A Pez dispenser?" Joey poked the Batman-headed candy accessory.

"Yeah, I was having a real craving for junk food the other day, something sweet, and it was the only think I managed to steal before the manager caught me."

"You stole a Pez dispenser?"

"They rejected my credit card."

"So you stole a Pez dispenser."

"Yeah."

"There are ninety-three pennies here," Yugi cut in.

"Cool. Ninety-three times the luck." Malik dug around a bit more before pulling out what, at first, looked like a normal ushebti. But when he pushed a button in its back, a small flame appeared from its head.

"Neat lighter," Ryou said.

"Thanks. I got it in Cairo."

Joey picked up a small wad of five-dollar bills that had fallen out of Malik's pocket when he extracted the lighter. "Are these from before or after you stole the Pez?"

"Those? Those I slipped from the cashier's pocket as I was bodily removed from the store. He was stealing them from the register, I think."

Malik unfolded a piece of paper he found, only to flare red and crumple it up. "What," Yugi asked, "what is it?"

"It belongs to my dark. We won't go there." Malik tossed the paper into the nearest trash bin. Then, digging back into his pockets, he pulled out a long, jewel-encrusted dagger. Joey raised his hand.

"Uh, call me crazy, but did you just pull an eight-inch dagger from a six-inch pocket?"

"Yes, I did."

"How'd you get it in there?"

"Very, very carefully." Malik set down a small pair of salt and pepper shakers. "I always carry these with me. I don't trust the ones in restaurants."

"Why not," Yugi asked.

"Are you kidding? Do you know what people DO to those things?" Malik shuddered. "I don't even want to think about it."

They sat in silence a moment before Malik started sorting through his pockets once more. He grinned suddenly, and pulled out a hard plastic object shaped like a penis. Pushing a button, he showed the group that this, too, was a cigarette lighter. Tea stared at it in disgust. "Why in the world would you have something like _that_?"

"It's unique," Malik said with a shrug. "And, besides, I like lighters. Fire is pretty."

Everyone inched away from the Egyptian just a bit.

The next item made everyone say "Aw." It was a crumpled photograph, well worn with age, of a tiny Ishizu and even tinier Malik. A third figure stood in the background that could only be Odion. Yugi picked up the picture for a closer look while Malik, eager for a distraction, pulled out a small first aide kit and a hairbrush. "Necessities," he said simply. Tea and Joey nodded in agreement while Tristan sat playing with the knife. Ryou was still examining the ushebti lighter.

A ring of keys followed, explained as the starters for the yacht and motorcycle, and another piece of folded paper quickly made it's way to the trash before anyone could see what it was. A silver lighter joined the other fire-makers, this one with a marijuana leaf etched onto the side of it. Three Tootsie Rolls, a Swiss Army Knife, a packet of moist towelettes, and another handful of change later, and the group sat staring at the complete contents of Malik's pockets.

"So let me get this straight," Tristan said. "You have three cigarette lighters and no cigarettes?"

"Smoking is dirty," Malik said with a shrug. "I just like the lighters."

Meanwhile, Joey had been experimenting with the Swiss Army Knife and cut his hand. Reaching towards Tea menacingly, he growled, and she shrieked. "Cut that out! That's disgusting!" The group sat around playing with the various items for a while after that, and then they all went home, both enlightened and very disturbed. Never again would Yugi ask what was in someone's pockets.


End file.
